


A Life Day Carol

by Iyearnforaplotadvancement



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: A Christmas Carol, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Family Feels, Gen, Jealousy, Kylo Ren-centric, Life Day (Star Wars), Minor Romance, Reference to Alcohol Use, War-Time Violence, Yueltide Fun, happy holidays, minor language
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-22
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:42:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21898363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iyearnforaplotadvancement/pseuds/Iyearnforaplotadvancement
Summary: It takes one night to change a life (or not)
Relationships: Han Solo & Kylo Ren, Kylo Ren & Rey, Kylo Ren/Rey, Leia Organa & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Luke Skywalker & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 9





	1. Stave One

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, has this been done yet? I wanna make a disclaimer that I haven't seen ROS but I know the major spoilers. So that was a bit of a factor when I wrote this and also kind of not. This takes place in that year between TLJ and ROS. Also I was watching The Mandalorian and Life Day was cannonized so of course we had to do sumn with a holiday classic and our boy Kylo. I feel like this won't get much recognition because it's not a Kylo/Ren rey fic but I was really happy with how it came out and I hope you guys enjoy it just in time for the holidays. Leave me a comment because I love reading them and please enjoy our presentation of:
> 
> A Life Day Carol

“But Supreme Leader Ren…it’s _Life Day,_ ” Hux cautioned.

Behind his mask, Kylo Ren rolled his eyes.

“That sounds like a problem out of my hands,”

“The men will riot if you make them work on the eve of such an important holiday,” Hux said in a matter-of-fact tone. “It’s no difference to me whether I’m here, but I know the men will-,”

“I don’t know anyone in this galaxy who cares about that overly saccharine holiday-,”

Hux tried to keep the irritation out of his voice as he beseeched his commander once more, “The _men_ do. I’ve been hearing nothing but their maddening complaints for the last weeks. Supreme Leader, I beg of you, if you won’t do it for them, do it for me…lest I shoot myself and have this whole army fall apart around you,”

Kylo Ren turned to Hux and nearly smiled. But of course, he didn’t.

“Hux I would advise you not to threaten me with something so enticing,”

Hux fixed his commander with a look of dull surprise and deeply sighed, “Give them some time off and I assure you they’ll return with renewed vigor. Sometimes the depths of space can burn out even the toughest of soldiers,”

Kylo’s shoulders sagged. “Very well, I’ll allow your men the day off for Life Day. I expect them to be back to their usual duties after their celebration. We’ll dock on the planet Hyperborea for their leave,”

“The men will be very grateful, Supreme Leader,” Hux said with a curt nod of his head.

* * *

They landed on the icy planet of Hyperborea a few hours after Kylo Ren's announcement that he was letting his men off for Life Day. At first, many had assumed it was just some joke. But when Hux had corroborated the story, there was an explosion of celebration.

The Stormtroopers began their festivities early with loud music and party games.

For the most part, Kylo stayed in his quarters while the men partied.

When they finally landed, Stormtroopers were all lined up according to squad units and released in a scheduled manner. The whole ordeal was mostly lost on Kylo. They were Hux’s army so he let all the details to the man. This, coupled with the rest of the crew of the starship on leave, had left Kylo without much to do.

There were maps to look at, sure. Rebels to track. A _particular_ rebel to track…

But it all had seemed…out of place to do, especially considering that there wasn’t an army available to back him up and that…well…it _was_ a holiday.

Kylo Ren paced the floor in his quarters wondering just what was so important about the day.

The last time he had experienced it was as a child. Even then at the soft, impressionable age, Life Day was lackluster. Long afternoons were spent in his mother’s government meetings before he’d return home with her and cobble together dinner which would be consumed mostly by the various pets they kept. After that were what seemed like _years_ of traveling to Uncle Chewy’s ancestral home, even though deep down Kylo knew it was only a few hours.

That’s all the holiday-all holidays- boiled down to in his opinion; fulfilling duties. Whether it was with his mother and wrapping up bureaucratic obligations or traveling to a relative’s home because, “That’s what we do, Ben. Now go put on a clean shirt and get ready, we’re leaving soon,”. It’s just what it was for. Sure there were other things like family and relaxation and _love…_ but as the years dragged on this seemed less apparent. It seemed more like people were continuing traditions out of obligation. That, Kylo could understand.

And yet every year Life Day would pass he would feel more and more _confused._

He felt it especially so since the last year when he had killed Han Solo and nearly killed his mother. Life Day before then had been something he hadn’t put much thought in. This year at the mention of the holiday, a thought had crossed his mind.

_Han Solo is dead. Who is mother spending Life Day with…_

He imagined his mother sitting alone in a cold Rebel base, a hologram in her hand projecting Han Solo’s face.

The thought had stirred many emotions within him, most were emotions he was not yet ready to deal with.

And then the _girl._

Then she had come and ruined things further by refusing his offer of joint custody of the universe.

They could have been spending Life Day together.

They could have done a lot of things together.

Never mind it all now, that was the past and as Kylo believed; the past had to die.

The motto did little to quell the inner turmoil he was experiencing. And despite a brief rage fueled moment, it had never really provided him any quality comfort.

Kylo shook his head. Tired of thinking, tired of regretting, and tired of feeling, he shucked off his armor, his uniform, and his boots. He forwent his usual ben time routine in favor of simply falling asleep.

That was until he heard the footsteps of someone very familiar.

Kylo bolted upright in his bed and summoned his lightsaber to his hand.

He engaged the saber and looked around the lowly lit area of his room. A sneer crept onto his face as he scanned the room.

“Show yourself,”

There was no answer.

“Show yourself. Now,”

Still no answer.

Kylo stood, brandishing his saber for the hidden figure to see.

A rush of cold air blew across Kylo’s body. The small hairs on his body prickled and his hands tightened on the saber.

“Hey kid,”

Kylo tensed and whipped around.

His blood began to boil.

That voice was unmistakably Luke Skywalker’s.

“Face me,” Kylo growled.

“Okay,”

Luke materialized in front of Kylo in that instant. The younger man sneered and slashed at the figure before him. To no one’s surprise, the saber swung right through the form of Luke. In truth, Kylo needed the catharsis. He knew in his heart that it would have been a longshot for Luke to physically be where he was.

“What do you want?” Kylo asked, turning off his saber.

“I want to let you know you have plans for Life Day,” Luke said with a slight smug expression.

“Explain,”

“In life I failed to redeem you. I now know that it wasn’t my place to save you, but someone else’s…still, I have to try,” Luke explained, “You’re going to be visited by three spirits. They will guide you on your journey; where you have been, where you are, and where your path will lead you. With any luck this may open your eyes to what’s really happening,”

Kylo’s brow furrowed, “Why should I believe _anything_ you’re saying?”

But as Kylo spoke the last word, Luke’s presence had evaporated. Kylo was alone once more in his quarters. He huffed and set his lightsaber down and climbed back into bed.

Three spirits…

Ridiculous.


	2. Stave Two

The first spirit came at midnight.

Well whatever was considered midnight on Hyperborea.

The sun was still shining down viciously on the ship and the arctic wasteland. Kylo sneered as he stared out into the icy landscape, watching the Stormtroopers whoop and holler in the snow.

Kylo sighed and returned to his bed, too wired up to sleep, too unsure to do anything else.

He was being ridiculous. _Spirits,_ as in the spirits of the dead? That was preposterous, even with all the technology in the universe there wasn’t any Force trick, device, or otherwise that could bring back the dead. Maybe only a Jedi or Sith lord was capable of such techniques. Maybe that was what Luke had mastered beyond the grave.

Kylo glanced down at his boots and had noticed an odd formation growing on the floor. He sprang to his feet in an instant as he realized it was the crystalline structure of ice.

Kylo cursed and moved to his door and hit the open button. But when the door hadn’t responded, he turned to find that the ice was spreading over it as well.

Kylo snapped his head towards his bed and summoned his lightsaber. His saber flew to his hands. He could feel the coldness of the metal through his gloves. Kylo engaged the saber and held it close to the ice in an effort to melt it.

When it hadn’t he had made a face and took an experimental swing at the now frozen wall. His saber sliced through the air and hit the ice. Kylo looked, not a scratch on it.

He swung his saber again and again.

Nothing.

Kylo stepped back to survey the wall. To his shock and horror, the ice had spread even more now. It covered the room from ceiling to floor. The door was now frozen in a layer of ice, nearly an inch thick. The floors were slick with it.

Kylo moved to his communication device in the corner of the room and radioed for anyone nearby. He was met with a dead silence. It must have been the ice or s _omething_ that was blocking his signal. As a last resort, Kylo began to scream, hoping his voice would carry far enough to be heard outside of the room.

When no one had answered he realized just a little too late that everyone was on leave. The only ones who could possibly hear him were the droids…But they needed to be radioed…

Kylo Ren sighed.

He cast a glance at the only window which too was covered in ice. He couldn’t hear the men anymore, perhaps they’d left, perhaps they’d gone off to the Chrissian outpost for their celebrations. Either way, Kylo Ren was alone.

That’s when the coldness of the room finally got to him.

It was subtle at first then suddenly hit him like a speeder bike. He was nearly doubled over by the sudden change in temperature. His body began to shake as he searched the room for his heavy cloak. The garment was hanging off a hook on the wall where he kept it and was covered in a dusting of what seemed like snow. He cursed as shook off as much as he could before slipping it over his shoulders.

He hunkered down on his bed in an effort to get warm. His breaths were now visible in the rapidly freezing room.

Kylo closed his eyes and hung his head as another tremor hit his body. The air was deathly chill, so cold that even his lungs felt as if they were freezing.

That’s when he felt someone tap the top of his head.

Kylo jumped in shock.

“Cold, kid?”

“…Han Solo?”

Han smiled down at his son and crossed his arms. “I thought these Imperial ships had decent air conditioners,”

Kylo stood, nearly towering over his father. “You’re dead,” and as an afterthought he added on, _it’s The First Order._

“-I mean you think they could afford to, right?” Han continued, ignoring his son.

“H-how-how are you-,”

“Color scheme is nice though, I can’t argue with that-,”

“Enough!” Kylo screamed. He fixed Han with a glare and engaged his saber.

Han looked at his son and furrowed his brow, “Ben Solo, you put that thing down. Right now,”

Kylo fought the oncoming quiver in his lip. He did not disengage his saber, but he lowered his guard. “What kind of trick is this, Luke?”

Han shook his head, “Luke’s gone kid…well, whatever version of ‘gone’ Jedi’s have,”

Kylo grit his teeth, “I don’t believe you,”

Han shrugged in response, “Do or don’t, no sweat, kiddo. Listen, we don’t have much time. I need to show you some things before I go-,”

Kylo let out a rage induced cry and slashed at his father’s image.

The image of Han was first surprised and then angry, “Goddamn it, Ben. What did I say?”

Kylo dropped his guard completely. He stared at the specter with equal measures of puzzlement and fear. “What are you?”

“I’m your father,” Han said sternly. But then shook his head and sighed, “I’m also the ghost of your Life Day’s past,”

“That sounds asinine,” Kylo said flatly.

“Well it’s what’s happening, are you gonna get on the Falcon so we can get this over with or what-?”

Kylo’s head tilted to the side, “How are we going to do that? It’s with the Resistance,”

“I’m borrowing it for the evening,” Han answered playfully.

Kylo eyed his father and then glanced to the ceiling of his room, then to the frozen in door, “Okay, how are we going to get out of the room then? There’s ice everywhere-,”

As Kylo spoke a wall of his quarters dissolved into the interior of the Falcon’s cockpit. Kylo’s eyes widened in surprise as he stepped forward, cautiously.

Everything had been the same as the last time he had been side it.

The worn, leather seats were still cracked and flaking. There were the same stains and dents that had come with age as well a particular one that Kylo had left as a boy. The dashboard had lit up upon Kylo’s entrance and the ship hummed with a familiar and comforting sound. Even the smells were the same; the clean metal, the faint perfume of fuel, and the smell of his dad’s cologne.

Kylo looked over to his side where his father was seated in the pilot’s side.

“Take a seat-,”

Kylo looked over his shoulder at where his room would have been and instead found the other half of the Falcon.

“Something wrong, Kid?”

Kylo shook his head as he slumped into his chair. “How is this possible?” he mumbled.

“To be honest, I couldn’t tell you. Best not to ask too many questions,” Han replied nonchalantly. “We’re going into hyperspace, put your seat belt on,”

“It’s on,” Kylo muttered indifferently. “Where are going anyway?”

“Sledding,” Han replied with an easy smile.

The Millennium Falcon punched into lightspeed.

Kylo was sure at this point he was dreaming, but the push of gravity that pressed him into his seat felt real. As did the chair he was sitting in and the whirring of electricity in the ship around him. His brain was having trouble reconciling all the things going on around him at the moment so for a second he let himself believe it was all real. It might be done faster that way.

When they exited lightspeed, they were not looking down at a planet, but rather on the surface of another snowy place. There was something familiar about the landscape. Unlike Hyperborea it was greener here. Tall trees speckled the ground and a tall mountain range stood out against a lilac sky.

Something from deep within Kylo subconscious recognized this place.

Han took the ship down to the surface of the planet and landed somewhere within the thicket of trees. “You ready?”

Kylo got up without a word and followed Han outside.

He had thought for a moment that the air would be just as cold as the air on Hyperborea, but instead he was met with an average if cool breeze. Han pointed to somewhere in the distance. Kylo squinted and made out three figures on a far-off ridge.

He saw two adults-one male, one female- and a young boy.

“A family?” Kylo shrugged.

“Yeah? Look closer,”

Kylo stepped forward to the edge of the tree line and looked again.

His chest felt a tightness and his mind felt a dull ache as he tried to process what he was seeing.

He rubbed his eyes and looked again at the family on the ridge. The man was sitting on a wide, metal sheet. He waved the boy over who sat in front, between the man’s legs. The woman looked on at them, waving to them as the man pushed off and slid down the hill with the boy.

“That’s-that’s me-,”

Han joined Kylo at his side, smiling tenderly. “You were such a cute kid,” Han remarked as he watched with Kylo. “Do you remember now? This was Life Day’s Eve about thirty years ago. We went to Ordo-Calo, I took a spare panel from the Falcon and we used it as a sled. Your mom forgot to bring extra socks so she complained about wet feet the whole trip back and-,”

“-and I sprained my arm when I fell off a the sled-,” Kylo finished with a small smile. His eyes went wide in the next second, remembering how it happened, “Look out-!”

Kylo watched as younger him tumbled off the sled and rolled down the hill into a large rock. Han had popped off the sled a second later and ran to his son’s side.

“They can’t hear us, or see us,” Han said, “This is the past after all,”

Kylo paused and then looked at his father, confused. “Why are you showing me this?”

“It’s important to remember, we tend to forget stuff like this in our old age,” Han said, watching his younger self scoop up a sobbing Ben in his arms and carrying him up the hill to the worried arms of Leia. Kylo turned his attention back to his parents as they doted on him and comforted him. A little twinge of sadness blossomed in his chest as he remembered how safe he felt in the arms of his parents.

This was an innocent time, before the darkness. Before the voices. Before he pain and frustration that would later latch itself onto him. Kylo Ren closed his eyes and let the warmth seep back into his bones.

“Ben, come dance with me!”

Kylo’s eyes popped open.

He and Han were now standing in a house.

It was built of stone and wood. The place was lit by yellowed lights and the house was alive with music and laughter and the drumming of feet on the floor.

He looked at a younger version of himself. Freshly thirteen, scrawny, awkward, and tall. He had his father’s distinct nose and his mother’s large, dark eyes and someone else’s huge ears. His friends had always teased him, they would tell him he looked some biped worm, he would love it. They were some of the few people in the whole galaxy that hadn’t addressed him as “Prince Ben” or treated him like he was fragile. Thinking back on where they were now, he remembered it was a party, someone’s birthday or maybe an anniversary. He saw the faces of his childhood friends sprinkled in the crowd.

That brought him back to watch the scene play out in front of him.

He watched as his awkward, pre-teen self decline a dance with Kikandir Sollsmed.

“Why’d you say no?” Han asked.

“I was…afraid,” Kylo said as he watched the younger him shuffle off to some corner of the room.

“Didn’t your mom teach you how to dance?”

Kylo shook his head, “It was something else.”

Thirteen.

That was the year the voices in his head became too powerful to ignore. They were angry, vengeful, and knew too much. If being prince had made him feel like an outsider, the voices definitely had cemented those feelings.

“I felt too _weird_ to dance with her. Kikandir was so nice and her family were important to mom at the time. I just didn’t want to mess anything up,” he said. “It was the voices… they were everything to me. Every thought, every desire, every thing in my mind led me back to them,”

The scene shifted around them. The party was wiped away and in it’s place, a school was painted. He had recognized the class room. He was about fifteen or sixteen here. School was a safe haven from the world of politics and stress. He remembered this year Leia had begun grooming him for an eventual career in the Senate. But he was still too awkward and too shy to make a firm impression on anyone and the disparaging looks he had gotten from his mother’s fellow senators had done more than deter him from that path.

There was some hope for his future at this point. The year before he had begun to understand what Force sensitivity was. His Uncle Luke had explained it to him, assured him that it was all normal. Suddenly being able to make objects levitate or reading his friends minds didn’t seem so scary. He understood for once in his life what things had meant.

Still, Kylo had wanted- _needed-_ a place just to be normal. He didn’t want to be prince, nor Jedi, not yet anyway. Right now he just wanted to be another cog in the machine and even at the prissy prep- school his parents enrolled him in, he was still just an average student.

Besides, the prissy-prep school had it’s perks. And lucky for him, she was seated next to him.

“Hey, Ben is your mom dragging you to that ball next week?” asked Kikandir.

“Yeah, she ah- made me buy a new suit and everything,” he whispered.

“Same. My parents told me it was a good idea. Rub elbows, get some networking done-,” Kikandir said with a little bob of her head, “Well I’m glad I’m not going to be there alone with all those old men and their stuck up wives,”

Ben Solo smiled and hoped that his shaggy hair was covering his blushing cheeks. “I am too-,”

“Ben Solo,” called the teacher, sharp and clear.

Ben Solo swallowed.

Kylo watched the scene unfold with a sense of dread in his stomach.

“Do you have something to share with the class?” asked the teacher.

“N-no-,”

“I am surprised. It’s your family’s history after all-,” They’d been going over the war, Ben had only ever half listened to it. He had three war heroes in his immediate family and a whole government to remind him of his family’s efforts daily. There was no need to listen.

“I only asked since you and Ms. Sollsmed were conversing so _fervently._ Young love is quite an exceptional experience for you growing individuals, but please, conduct it outside of my class room,”

His classmates had snickered and whispered under their breaths. The teacher seemed so smug as the other students continued.

Ben had felt his face grow hot as the teacher returned to the board to finish the lecture. Ben could feel his face grow hot. He glanced briefly at Kikandir who was turned away from, hiding being her propped up arm. This had only further embarrassed Ben. The rest of the class he could hear his classmates whisper and laugh at him under his breath. The sound infuriated him to no end.

When class had finally let out, he was first to leave. He ignored the dumb looks his peers had given him the next time he stepped foot in class as well as the way Kikandir was now subtly avoiding him. It’s just school, he reasoned, they’ll forget it soon enough and move on. But the voice in his head said otherwise.

The next week at the ball he had found Kikandir. She seemed happy to see him at first, but when they were approached by another classmate and the uneasy tension returned and with it, a feeling of intense anger.

“I caught the love birds,” the classmate joked. Kikandir faked a laugh, but Ben could only manage a tight smile. “So, when’s the wedding?”

“Let it go,” Kikandir joked with a friendly eye-roll. “If you paid this much attention to when our instructor is actually _teaching_ then maybe you’d be able to pass the class,”

“I can’t help it. It’s just so intriguing,” the classmate drawled on, “Kikandir; the next senate leader and student government extraordinaire. Prince Ben; ace pilot and next in line for figure-head power. It’s a match made bureacratic in heaven. I mean Kikandir only bothers hanging out with you because your mom's _Princess_ Leia. She and her wizard brother saved the galaxy-,"

Kikandir plastered a fake smile on her face and surveyed their classmate. Upon further scrutiny, she realized that they held a glass of wine in their hand and that they reeked of alcohol. This was only confirmed further as they took a shaky step towards the two and laughed even when no one had said anything.

“Ben, tell me something-,”

“Don’t touch me, please,” Ben choked out as the classmate’s hand gripped his shoulder.

“Have you and Kikandir fucked yet?”

Kikandir shirked back, Ben glared. “I said don’t touch me,” he shouted.

He threw the classmate’s hand off his shoulder and faced them. The classmate stumbled and dropped their wine glass. An angry look brewed on their face. Marching, the classmate pointed an accusatory finger at Ben. “You think you can push people around, is that it Your Highness?”

“Let’s calm-,”

“Shut up,” the classmate snapped at Kikandir.

“ _Don’t_ talk to her like that-,” Ben growled.

“What are you going to do?”

Suddenly the classmate was flung through the air and into a marble pillar. Guests had stopped their conversation, music had died, and across the room Ben’s classmate was lying unconscious on the floor.

As the anger inside of Ben faded, he had looked down. He had seen his outstretched hand pointing in the direction of his peer. He quickly lowered his arm. He looked to Kikandir at his side.

She looked upon Ben with fright and alarm.

“Ki-,”

“I’m sorry I have to-,” he watched her helplessly as she backed away from him, disappearing into the sea of other guests. A moment later his mother came to him, her dark eyes were wide with concern.

The memory faded after that and Han and Kylo were back on the Falcon.

Kylo sat despondently in the co-pilot’s chair.

“She never talked to me again after that, no one did.” Kylo said.

“I remember, we changed schools for you-,”

“It didn’t help,”

“Your mother and I did everything we could,” Han said, looking at his son.

“You fought so much over me,” Kylo mumbled. “You didn’t think I could hear it, but I knew. You never knew what to do with me. You always said you could never handle me. So, you dumped me off with Luke-,”

“We thought he could support you better-,” Han interjected, “How were we supposed to know what to do with you. Luke was the Jedi. He knew the Force. We-,”

“You were my parents!” Kylo yelled, “I needed you. I was afraid of myself. I could have killed that kid-!”

“That wasn’t your fault,” Han said, “Think about it, Ben. Do you remember that classmate? That was Rhys Greeta’s kid. Do you remember _them_? They never drank in public. They thought it ruin Rhy’s reputation. He kept his kids on a leash, that kid would have never even looked at the alcohol. But then all of a sudden, he decides to get drunk at one of the most important balls of the year and _embarrass_ the prince and a senator’s daughter? Doesn’t that seem odd to you?”

Kylo’s face hardened, “People make bad mistakes all the time,”

“This mistake wasn’t just _any_ mistake. You ask me, some baited you into using the Force,”

Kylo huffed, “Who?”

“The same voices you’ve been hearing all your life, Kid.”

The younger man shook his head, “That’s ridiculous,”

“Why else would it happen it the way it did? Everything was set up to humiliate you, to isolate you from everyone and turn everyone into your enemy. Including us,”

Kylo’s head snapped back to Han. He cleared the space between them and came just a fraction away from his father’s face, “You did a find job of that yourself,”

Han’s mouth set into a taut line. He shook his head. He huffed, but then the hard line of his mouth turned into a rueful smile, “A chip off the old block…”

Kylo turned his back on his father and sat in the co-pilot’s seat. “Are you done making me relive the follies of my youth yet?” he asked sarcastically, “Or is there more? Maybe we can pop in on me at Luke’s old Jedi temple. You can watch me milk that _thing_ , or perhaps we can watch the night he tried to kill me in my sleep. That’s always fun,”

Kylo heard Han settle into the pilot’s seat and flip a few switches. “There’s one more thing I want you to see, then we can leave,”

The Falcon pushed into lightspeed again but Kylo barely reacted. When he finally looked up they were once again in a home. But this place was different, foreign. The house was small, cramped even. A cursory glance outside a window showed Kylo that he was on some forested planet. Kylo stood alone in a kitchen. On the range a pot of something was cooking while an entertainment program ran in the background.

“Callipe, Spenkol, wash up for dinner,”

That voice, it sounded…familiar.

A woman walked into the kitchen, wiping her hands on a rag. Kylo’s heart caught in his throat.

Before him stood Kikandir. A little older, a little taller. Her small frame had filled out, where the nearly parallel lines of adolescence had graced her body, curves now existed. Her face was as sweet as he had remembered, even if aged.

Two children scurried into the kitchen, each possessing their mother’s soft eyes.

Kikandir set the table as the children climbed into their chairs. When the two were served, she had made a plate for herself and sat down to eat. Kylo watched as the three made conversation while the local wildlife outside made their nightly music.

A thought had occurred to Kylo, “Is this…is this now?”

Kylo looked around for Han but found him absent. “No, I can only show you the past,” said Han’s voice.

“Then what day of my life is this?”

“It’s the night you killed me, it was also Life Day's Eve,”

Kylo quieted down as he listened to the children’s spoons scrape against bowls.

“Why is she here? She’s a senator’s daughter-,” Kylo asked, watching Kikander fiddle with a wobbly chair.

“ _Was_ a senator’s daughter. Her father refused to side with the Order, so they had him killed. They stripped her and her surviving family of their wealth and title. She fled, met a young Rebel soldier and had a few kids,”

“Where is their father now?”

“She only called two people for dinner, you put two and two together,” Han quipped.

Kylo looked once more at Kikandir and her children, trying to picture himself-selfishly, maybe- in that empty seat at the table. How different life could have been had he stayed. How different many things could have been.

“Is this what you wanted me to see?” Kylo asked Han. But he was met with nothing but silence.

Puzzled, Kylo continued to watch the scene unfold.

Kikandir continued to speak to her children and ask about their day.

And then came a knock at her door.

Her head turned in the direction of her front door, surprised. She shot a look of assurance at her children as she rose to answer the door.

It was quiet for a moment as the children were left at the table wondering where their mother had gone. When she returned, she was solemn and silent. Behind her trailed a squad of Stormtroopers.

“Kids. I need to speak with these soldiers. Please go up to your rooms. Don’t come out until I say so, okay?” Kikandir barely spoke above a polite tone.

Her children must have sensed her distress and ran to hug her before disappearing into the recesses of the house. Kikandir breathed shakily as she turned to face the soldiers.

“We’ve received information that you are in direct collusion with the Resistance forces. Under code WC-102 implemented by Commander Kylo Ren, this is a violation of First Order law,” stated the Stormtrooper. “Are you aware of the consequences of your actions?”

Kikandir swallowed her fear and looked the Stormtroopers in their visors, “Please. Enlighten me as to what they are,” she seethed.

“Death-,”

Another soldier opened fire on her as Kylo screamed out, “No!” Kylo reached out to Force choke the soldier but his hand slowly fell as he remembered what Han had told him earlier.

“This is the past, Kid. They can’t hear or see us. We’re not even actually there. We’re just watching…” Han said.

The leader of the squad looked over his shoulder at the others. “Check the house, round up the children,”. His team broke apart, turning the house upside-down. The Stormtroopers demolished the home and all it’s furnishings and when they had had their fill of destruction, Kikandir’s two children were dragged from the house kicking and screaming.

The scene fell away to darkness and then finally, back in Kylo’s quarter’s on the ship.

He looked around. The ice was gone, with no evidence it was ever there to begin with.

The Supreme Leader exhaled a ragged breath and sat on the edge of his bed.

Han appeared once more and stood in front of him, silently.

“If your goal was to make me hate myself, you’ve failed. I already hate myself, more than you could ever know,” Kylo stated.

“But you won’t leave The Order? You won’t put a stop to it-,”

“I can’t. There’s too much blood on my hands. The only way out is to demolish everything. The Order, The Resistance, Jedi, Sith, dark and light. This is what grandfather failed to do. To restore balance have to wipe the slate clean,”

“I could never change you when you set your mind to something. That’s something I like to think you got from me,” Han said, kneeling in front of his son. “Anything you wanted you got because you were stubborn like me and determined like Leia. You could have done so much good for the galaxy, Ben-,”

“I’m just a disappointment? That’s nothing new-,”

“You’re not a disappointment. Even now, there is still time to make things right,”

Kylo felt his father’s hand touch his face. Warm and calloused, Han Solo’s hand wiped away the stray tear that Kylo Ren was not aware had fallen.

“You’re my son, Ben. Please, for your mother, for me…come home. We miss you dearly,”

Kylo felt small in that moment. It felt as if he were six years old again, wounded and sniveling in his father’s arms.

When Kylo had looked up, Han Solo was gone. His presence, his scent, everything had disappeared.

Kylo had wished he had gone with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not entirely sure when "Life Day" is supposed to be. The Christmas Special it came from premiered sometime in November and all sequel trilogy movies came out in December and I just pretend that the day of is released is the day that it is in the movie (i.e. Dec 20th is the day part of the movie is in or whatever). I decided to split the difference and say that Life Day is like Thanksgiving so it occurs every 4th "week of the month", meaning it's different day every year but around the same time.


	3. Stave Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter gets: Jealous!Kylo, shippy, feelsy, and spooky. Leave me comments I love to read em. 
> 
> Warning: Depictions of violence and dead bodies.

The second spirit appeared the middle of the night.

Unlike Han’s ghost, Kylo did not sense the entrance of the second spirit.

It made it all the more alarming when he saw a R2-D2 beeping and screeching inside his closet. Kylo Ren let the momentary fear fall away and fixed the droid with an annoyed glare. “Are you the ghost of Life Day’s Present?”

The droid beeped in agreement.

Kylo rolled his eyes and let the droid roll out from his closet. “What childhood traumas do you have for me?”

R2-D2 bumped into the back of Kylo’s legs to make him step forward. The droid herded Kylo to the door of his room and prompted the man to open the door. Silently, Kylo had hit the command button and finally the door hissed opened. He allowed himself a sigh of relief as he stepped through the door and into what looked like an old Rebel base.

Kylo’s brow furrowed.

“Where are we?”

R2-D2 beeped loudly and Kylo snorted. “Right, you wouldn’t want the Supreme Leader finding your secret hideout,”

He followed the droid out into a large gathering place and then down a corridor. When they reached the end the droid beeped and waited for Kylo to respond. “You want me to go out there?”

Kylo pointed to a hanger where off in the corner he could hear people laughing and singing. R2-D2 led Kylo over to the party when the he had taken too long to respond.

As he followed the droid, he surveyed all the old spacecrafts that lingered in the hanger. Some were pre-Empire ships, classics he dare he even say. An unprecedented wave of nostalgia washed over him as he walked among the relic space crafts. How many times as a young boy had Kylo wanted to pilot such a ship around the galaxy? Him, his ship, and the wide recesses of space were all he had wanted back then. To have an adventure, but even more importantly to be free.

R2 squawked, signaling Kylo to join him in the watching of festivities.

Instantly it clicked for Kylo. The Resistance-it seemed- were enjoying Life Day as well.

He saw the pilot he’d captured once before, what was his name-ah- _Poe._ The man was dancing fluidly along side a few of his fellow pilots. In the corner the ex-Stormtrooper, FN-2187, was talking to a young, dark haired woman. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves.

Suddenly it occurred to him that _she_ was here.

“Where is the girl,” he asked R2.

The droid beeped vaguely.

He looked down at the cylindrical robot and quirked a brow, “You don’t know or don’t want to say,”

At this R2-D2 beeped and squawked in a seemingly enraged fashioned. Kylo backed up from the droid as it approached him an attempted to run over his toes. Kylo’s mouth twisted to the side as he pushed back on the robot with his foot. “Simple question. I’m not even here, right? I can’t harm her, or anyone for that matter,”

R2 relented and the scene faded into the image of Rey’s back.

Kylo paused, as if hoping she would notice her presence, but when she hadn’t, he approached her very slowly.

The moonlight from the open window had casted the most exquisite shadows on her face. Her bright eyes stared off into the jungles of the wilderness, her lips just slightly parted in the way that always made Kylo smile just a little.

“Lost in thought, Sand Rat?” Kylo murmured as Rey leaned her head to the side.

He sat down next to her at the window and stared out into the jungles with her.

“Life Day parties were never that exciting for me either. Too much noise and people, That’s why you’re up here, right? By yourself. Or is it because its so incredibly frustrating to be surrounded by so much happiness and not be able to feel it?”

Rey had not responded to his musings, she hadn’t even indicated she noticed him at all. Kylo figured as much, but spoke anyways, “I was very hurt when you rejected my offer. I thought you would say ‘yes’,” Kylo said, staring off into the distance, “After everything I assumed you would join me. But unsurprisingly I was wrong. Again,” He took a quick glance at her, committing the curves of her face to his memory. “The rejection didn’t hurt as much as you blocking me out did. I could live with you rejecting me, but the thought of never being able to see you ever again…it angers me. I just thought we understood each other. And then you left me,”

He sighed and reached out for Rey’s hand. Midway he paused and removed his glove. He reached out for her once more and rested his hand on top of her’s. She didn’t react to this action. Nor did he want her to. “I still see us in the future together, Rey. Whatever that means for us…”

“There you are,”

A cold shock shot up Kylo’s spine as he turned to see who had entered.

The ex-Stormtrooper had walked in, his face was flush from dancing and drinking most likely. He walked up casually to Rey and sat beside her at the window. He smiled brilliantly at her and she for the most part returned the smile.

Kylo supposed it was best that he couldn’t interact with his surroundings. Because if he could, the look he was sending the Stormtrooper’s way would have surely eviscerated him.

“What are you doing up here?” asked Finn.

Rey smiled and shrugged, “Wanted some air,”

Finn nodded, “We’re playing some party games, do you want to try?”

“Maybe in a bit?”

“Are you alright?”

Rey shrugged again, “Life Day makes me think about my parents,”

Finn nodded, waiting for her to continue.

“I only ever got to spend a few with them before they left me on Jakku. Every year since then I’ve been alone,” Rey said, “-And it just makes me…sad when I think about today. All I do is remember how much I’ve lost.”

Finn half grinned, “Well, this year you’re not alone. You have the Resistance behind you. Everyone down there has lost someone but we’re all together right now and that’s what we’re celebrating. We understand you too, Rey. So…do you want to come down there and watch me beat Poe at porg tossing or do you wanna keep sulking up here alone?”

Rey grinned back at her friend.

They stood and embraced each other for a little longer than Kylo would have liked. His ire was stoked further when Finn’s gaze had lingered on Rey’s face a little too long.

He was left alone with nothing but his impotent jealousy and the bright moon outside when they had left. R2-D2 had rolled in signaling the time for them to move on. Kylo followed the droid out back into the hall where Rey and Finn strolled just up ahead.

Kylo tried to keep his emotions in check as Finn nervously fidgeted with his hands. It was obvious he wanted to reach out and grab Rey’s hand but was too shy to do so. A petty thought crossed Kylo’s mind in that moment; _When I find the Resistance, you die first._

R2-D2 screeched again, pointing Kylo Ren in the direction of a darkened corridor. He followed the robot closely, fearing that he would be lost in the long, dark halls. The robot led him to a storage room filled with maps and other out of use items.

Among the crates and boxes of ammunition and miscellaneous things was Leia, speaking gently to Lieutenant Connix.

The women chatted amiably over steaming mugs of something. Leia had made a big gesture with her hands and instantly Kylo knew what story she was telling, having heard it a thousand times before. Connix laughed and stared at her with stars in her eyes, just Kylo himself had once upon a time.

They continued to speak as Kylo sat and listened to stories of his mother’s youth and Connix’s past.

“I want to say that I’m very grateful for you spending your Life Day’s Eve with me, Lieutenant,”

“Pleasure’s all mine, General,” Connix said, “I don’t have much family left and-well-you’re like a mother to me, ma’am,”

Leia smiled warmly, “I haven’t been one in so long,”

“I’m sure you’ll see him again soon enough, General. After this war is over-,”

“Hopefully before I’m dead-,”

“ _Definitely-,”_ Connix assured. “I mean that’s what Life Day is all about after all. Family, love, thankfulness, and hope-,”

Leia scoffed at the younger woman and sipped deeply from her mug, “How overly sentimental,” she mused.

Connix shrugged and smiled wistfully, “Beats being bleak…”

Leia nodded and looked off into the distance. “Sure does,”

Kylo eyed his mother with clinically. His eyes roamed her face, weathered by time. He recalled all the times he had looked upon her when she was young, happy. Seeing her now as she was had stirred some odd feeling inside of him. A certain sorrow had spread over him realizing just how old his mother had become and how much of her life he had missed.

Beside him R2 whistled gently. Kylo glanced over at the bot and then glanced back at his mother. “It wouldn’t have been enough-,”

R2 whistled again, this time is sounded like a question.

“I’ve seen into her mind a few times before…Mostly in her dreams when she looks for me. She wonders what would have happened if she had kept me with her. She wonders if that would have been enough to save me from the path I chose. But it wouldn’t have been. The darkness in me would have found it’s way out eventually,” Kylo said, reaching out to touch the face of his mother.

His finger tips gently touched her face. In the same moment, Leia turned in his direction and almost seemed to look at him. “If she could see me now I wonder what she would say to me,” Kylo wondered, moving his hand away. “Would she be angry? Or sad? Does she still love me despite everything I’ve done?”

R2 beeped and whirred and wheeled out of the room. There was nothing for him to discuss with The Supreme Leader. Kylo accepted it and followed him out a second later, but not before stealing a fleeting glance at his mother.

“R-2 where have you-,” Kylo’s sentence was cut short half way as he looked around and found himself in a cramp tavern.

Around him were the partying Stormtroopers and a few of his lieutenants.

He had walked right into the densest part of the crowd and was surprised when the people who bumped into him had past right through his form, as if he was the Force ghost this time.

He spotted R2-D2 at the far end of the bar doing circles. As Kylo approached he realized it was where Hux and a few other lieutenants were. He stood among them, silent and observant.

“What a wonderful Life Day’s Eve this is,” said one lieutenant. He had dark hair and grey eyes, Kylo never bothered remembering his name but knew his Stormtroopers to be particularly unsuccessful in their duties.

Another Lieutenant- this one had heavy brow and pronounced teeth- raised his mug, “I’m surprised Lil’Ren let us off, what did you tell him, Hux?”

Kylo’s eyes bounced to Hux with a raised brow.

Hux shrugged and half grinned, “I told him the men would riot is all. Sith Lord or not, I doubt he could take an entire _army,_ ” Hux sipped from his mug and continued, “After all, he’s not Luke Skywalker,”

Hux’s fellow lieutenants laughed, “Better not let him hear you say that-,” snorted the lieutenant with the heavy brow.

The lieutenant with the grey eyes jumped in, “What is he going to do, throw a temper tantrum and smash up our dashboard again?”

The lieutenants all laughed together, loudly and mockingly. Kylo felt his fist tighten at his side as he fought the urge to slash them all to ribbons. He reminded himself that he would not be able to touch them, he wasn’t really _there_ after all.

Hux waved off the other two and wiped a stray tear from his eye, “Stop- you’ll have me keel over from a heart attack-,” he said grinning and gasping for air. “And then where will we be?”

“Tell you the truth I feel bad for the man,” admitted the lieutenant with grey eyes, “Holidays have to be hard for him considering he’s got no one,”

The heavy browed lieutenant snorted, “It’s his fault-,”

“-Aye, that it is, but still-,” said the grey-eyed man, “It’s no wonder we haven’t had a holiday off in-what- nearly five years. That womp-rat has nothing better to do than break things, cry to Snoke, and be alone,”

“Yeah, if he can’t be happy no one can I guess,” added the heavy-browed lieutenant.

“It’s the price you pay for power, I assume,” Hux said measuredly. “He’s made his bed, as have all of we,”

“But at least we _‘like’_ each other,” the heavy-browed man countered, “I would sell any of you off to save my skin, sure. But I don’t mind having you lot around while that day comes. Him on the other hand, I don’t know what person can stand to be around him. I mean the second he falls not one of us or any of our men would stand behind him-,”

Hux rolled his eyes, “Let’s not utter heresies now-,”

“My loyalties are to The First Order. Not that man-child holed up on the ship,” said the heavy-browed lieutenant.

“He’s right. He thinks he might be all big and bad because Snoke’s his teacher but the second he isn’t useful anymore he’s about as expendable as the rest of us,” agreed the grey-eyed lieutenant.

Hux shrugged and half-grinned once more, “It’s what he deserves,”

The lieutenants all chuckled, their laughter was building up once more.

Kylo stared at them all completely silent. He felt his fists unclench as watched them converse and drink and enjoy each other’s company. Behind him the Stormtroopers raged on. Once again he had felt the dull ache of isolation in his chest and the bitterness knowing that there wasn’t one thing he could do to change it.

The Supreme Leader barely registered the cylindrical droid at his feet who was trying to get his attention. When he finally looked at R2-D2 his voice was bereft and clear. “I want to leave,”

The droid hummed.

“I don’t care where we go. Anywhere but here,”

The droid complied and whisked them away to another place.

“I’ve always known what they thought of me, but it feels different to hear it out loud,” Kylo mumbled despondently. He waited for a beep, but when he had heard none he had looked around. The droid was nowhere to be seen.

It had occurred to him in that moment that he was standing in what seemed to be a graveyard.

Around him a flurry was coming down, dampening his vision.

He had looked at the grave markers with a quizzical look. Judging by the tall, stone markers that stood up above the graves, the place had to have been old. If Kylo were to guess he would have figured three or four generations old. He stepped forward, searching for the droid. As he walked further and further, the markers became shorter and shorter, eventually becoming the sleek and utilitarian grave markers he was familiar with.

Kylo knelt down next to one out of curiosity and read the marker.

The person who had laid under the marker was a child. Just a little over seven years of age. He read further.

_Beloved son and little brother._

_Native of Hyperborea_

_We Will Never Forget The Massacre of Hosnian Prime_

Kylo rose and read the next grave. It told a similar story of a native Hyperborean at the wrong place and wrong time.

Grave after grave, he read nothing but tragedies of people who had perished at the hands of the First Order. Some of them he had had a hand in personally.

Kylo tried to ignore the churning in his stomach as he blindly made his way through the endless graveyard.

_It’s too late to feel remorse…_

_What is done is done…_

_Let the past die…_

_What’s a few more bodies?_

Kylo trudged on through the snow and the blizzard, haphazardly stepping over broken tombstones and rocks and other things. He searched for lights ahead of him, to his side, anywhere-.

Off in the distance he had seen a blinking, red light. It was faint, but visible. He had walked right to it, followed it all the way through the falling snow. But when he finally came upon it, it wasn’t R2. It was a child.

The child’s back was turned to Kylo. He had looked under dressed for the weather. Kylo eyed him cautiously. Some beacon or perhaps tracking fob was glowing in the child’s hand. Kylo had waited to them to move and when they hadn’t he took a step back.

“Do you know where my mommy is,” asked the child in a voice as soft as the falling snow.

Kylo furrowed his brow and looked around. There was no other person around.

“Do you know where my mommy is-,” asked the child once more.

Kylo’s brow furrowed, “Can you…see me?”

The child had not turned but had raised the blinking device. “She said to follow this and it would help me find her,”

Kylo looked closer at the child and noticed that the child was barefoot in the snow. It was odd, but then again, the inhabitants of Hyperborea were known to be immune to the harsh weather. The longer he looked however the odder details he began to notice.

The clothes they wore were ragged and holey. In certain areas, they were burned. The child’s skin looked pale, bruised in some place and in others large, blue veins had popped grotesquely from the skin. The areas that their tattered clothes had not covered revealed patches of melted and ridged skin; a telltale sign of severed burns.

Kylo paused as a horrible and terrifying thought began to dawn on him.

“Are you Kylo Ren?”

“Y-yes,”

The child was silent and then slowly began to turn.

Kylo had felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up, though not due to the cold.

“Why-,”

“Why what?”

The child turned now to face Kylo.

The Supreme Leader jumped back from shock as the child looked at him.

Their face was mangled beyond any sort of recognition, he did not know what gender let alone what species of the being he was looking at. Their tiny hand that was stripped of flesh clutched the blinked device securely. The red light emitted from it lit the child’s face horrendously as their single, clouded eye stared at him.

“Why did you kill me?”

Kylo backed away as the child advanced. Behind him, more figures began to emerge from the flurry.

Kylo reached for his saber and engaged it.

“Stay back!” He shouted at the approaching child and the countless other corpses who joined them.

The Supreme Leader swung wildly at the child and the others who cornered him. He cut and carved through the members of the undead, screaming like an animal as he did so.

Every slash, even swing was accompanied by a maddening chant. “Why did you do it?” Over and over again the phrase was repeated like a mantra. The voices of the undead cried out relentlessly until it was all he could hear. He closed his eyes and continued to stab and slash until finally the voices stopped.

When he opened his eyes he was staring down, not at the dismembered bodies of waking corpses, but at freshly killed civilians. He stared in abject disgust and dread at their blood that splattered the white snow.

The storm had stopped. The last of the snow had fallen. The wind was stilled.

Kylo looked at the atrocities he had committed and fell to his knees.

He closed his eyes once more and covered them with his hands, “Take me back!” he screamed, “Take me back! Take me away!”

When he opened his eyes once more, he was back in his sterile quarters, alone.


	4. Stave Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one more chapter...

Kylo Ren sat awake and silent on his bed.

His mind was a slurry of thoughts. For the life of him he couldn’t think of one singular thing. Everything was melting together in his mind. The voices in his head were all fighting each other for supremacy. And for once, Kylo didn’t try to hush them.

The face of the burned child was etched into his mind. He tried closing his eyes to hide from the image of the dead child, but the child’s voice still rang in his head.

Kylo couldn’t count how many times he had nightmares of the mangled dead reaching out to him. Ever since he was young the ghastly images had plagued him, each time more terrible than the last.

When he joined Snoke the images had stopped. Only, in a few years time, they had returned. Kylo liked to think, ruefully, that perhaps what he had been seeing were images of the future.

When the third spirit arrive, it walked calmly through Kylo’s door.

The figure was shrouded in Sith robes. It did not speak nor show it’s face but held out it’s hand. Kylo rose and eyed the figure curiously. Beneath the figure’s hood was a deep, black abyss as vast and lonely as the void of space.

“Who are you?” Kylo asked.

The figure did not answer.

“I’ve studied the history of the Sith, but I don’t remember you,” Kylo said.

Again, the figure remained silent and thrusted their hand forward.

Kylo swallowed a lump in his throat and took the figure’s hand.

The third spirit raised their opposite hand and clenched it, crushing the room around them with the Force.

Kylo cringed under the collapsing structure. “Wait-,”

The spirit persisted and crunched the room down until Kylo was bending over from the impacted room. The metal creaked and groaned loudly in protest. Finally, with a shake of the spirit’s fist, the room exploded into a million points of light. He let go of the spirit’s hand as he looked around at their new environment.

Together they stood in a scorching battlefield. The smell of sulfur and charred skin assaulted Kylo’s nostrils. A thick veil of smoke covered the grounds and peaking through it was a red sky. Kylo Ren turned to the spirit, “You’re here to show me what will happen?” Kylo asked, “The future?”

The black shrouded figure nodded and pointed to some place off in the distance.

Without another word, Kylo began moving through the battle field. At his feet laid many soldiers; Resistance and First Order. He ignored the far-away sounds of blaster-fire and screams as he continued through the field.

All around him was death, destruction, desolation…and yet somehow Kylo felt as though he was not the cause of it this time. This place-wherever it was-was not his doing. And all the same there was some kind of significance to him.

“Stop, please-“

It was the voice of his mother.

Kylo cut through the fog and saw himself pointing his lightsaber down at his mother’s throat.

“You can take me, leave the others-,”

“It’s too late for begging,”

“I’m not begging,” Said General Organa, clear and defiant, “I’m giving you my terms,”

“You’re in no position to be making demands,” Kylo answered.

“Take me. Leave the others,” Leia uttered again.

In an effort to intimidate her, Kylo held the tip of the saber closer to her neck. The old woman scoffed at him, “You’re not the first person to hold me at saber point, son,”

“But I will be the last,” Kylo Ren raised the saber over his head and swung at Leia’s neck.

“Stop!” Kylo Ren shouted at his image.

The Third Spirit appeared in front of him. Shielding him from the sight of his future self decapitating his mother. Kylo retched and peered up at the vastness underneath the spirit’s hood.

“Is this my future?” Kylo asked, wiping his mouth.

The spirit tilted it’s head to the side and snapped it’s fingers. The battlefield changed. The sky was turned from red to overcast grey. Kylo was back where he had started, as if the place was reset. The future had changed.

The sight of Kylo Ren faded. The spirit pointed up ahead once more. Kylo started walking, casting a glance at the spirit as he did so.

A chill shot up his back as he came upon a circled group of Resistance fighters.

He instantly recognized one; Finn, the ex-Stormtrooper. Next to him stood the pilot.

They stared down at something-someone- on the ground with disbelief.

“We did it,” The ex-Stormtrooper said mildly.

The pilot looked at Finn and secured his hand to his comrade’s shoulder. “We killed Kylo Ren,” he said.

Kylo’s eyes widened in surprise as he looked down at his own corpse.

In that moment the world around him fell silent. His breath had caught in throat as the stared into the corpse’s face frozen in terror.

He blinked and was suddenly at some kind of gathering aboard a First Order ship. There were all the lieutenants gathered speaking quietly to each other.

He spotted Hux speaking to his fellow lieutenants in a hushed whisper.

“Congrats on your promotion,” Said the grey-eyed lieutenant with a half smile.

Hux nodded subtly, “It seems luck was on my side. With Snoke gone and Ren in a casket, it seems the Order is in need of a new leader. I will happily step up to that position,”

The other lieutenants chuckled, “Can I be next after _you’re_ gone,”

Kylo watched as Hux grinned, actually grinned at his work-mate’s joke and proceeded to inform them on some ideas he had.

Over by the Stormtrooper squadron stationed behind them, the conversation wasn’t any more insightful. They spoke about what was for lunch or if this affected their pay in anyway. Mainly, they were just unhappy to be wasting their day standing at attention for the perish Supreme Leader.

Kylo once more felt the bitter taste of isolation on his tongue. He closed his eyes and clenched his fist as he tried to remain in control of the utter disappointment he felt.

It seemed no matter what side he was on he was alone.

Behind him he felt the third spirit materialize.

“Is there no one who cares that I…died,” Kylo mumbled.

The spirit waved it’s hand.

Kylo opened his eyes to find himself on another planet. This one resembled the lush, green forests like the ones from his childhood.

Before him were two kneeling women. He approached them, slowly.

He came to realize that it was his mother. His mother and _her._

Leia Organa wept into the shoulder of Rey as they looked at a grave marker at the base of a colossal tree.

_Ben Organa Solo_

_Beloved Son_

Rey held Leia as she sobbed and tried to hold back tears of her own.

Kylo red collapsed beside them and rested his head on his mother’s shoulder.

A fool he was for forsaking her love. And a fool he continued to be for thinking it could save him now.

“Is this the future I’m deserving of,” Asked Kylo in a small, broken voice. He huffed, “It might be too good for me if it is,”

The spirit once more materialized at Kylo’s side. It held out it’s hand for Kylo to take. This time he did, fearing what other horrible sights that the specter had to show him.

The forests around them began to melt away into a desert.

A wind had picked up, carrying with it grains of sand that whipped around Kylo’s feet and face. The spirit released Kylo and pointed in the direction of a small house on the edge of cluster of houses. Kylo looked at the spirit quizzically. The specter simply waited for Kylo to approach the house.

Not wanting to question anything more and just wanting the night to end, Kylo went up to the house.

The door had unlocked and opened at his approach. He paused a moment before venturing inside.

The interior was humble and lived in. A large, round table sat near the entrance. There were jackets and robes, and books scattered and strewn across and under the table. Off to the side were pairs of shoes in varying sizes.

Kylo got a closer look at them, noticing the particularly small pair. Absently he thought a child had inhabited the space. The suspicion was correct when he heard the unmistakable sound of a child’s laughter somewhere in the house.

Out of curiosity he ventured further into the home.

The kitchen was empty, so were the back rooms.

He had begun to wonder why the spirit had wanted him to be here, that was until he made it out into the back yard and saw a woman standing, admiring the binary sunset.

Beside her were two children, digging for something in the sand.

One child-a girl- had looked up and in Kylo’s direction. “Daddy’s home,” she said with absolute joy in her voice.

Kylo turned over his shoulder to spot the man. But when he hadn’t, he turned around.

The child had ran towards him and to Kylo’s shock, had latched herself around his legs. He stared at her with wide eyes and she squeezed him and then took his hand. “I found a coin!” she exclaimed, bringing him over to her dig sight.

Kylo’s mind buzzed as the small girl dragged him to his knees and pointed into a hole in the ground.

He looked at the other child- a boy- who couldn’t have been older than two, digging at the girl’s side.

He was dumbfounded at the sight of them, even more perplex that he was their supposed father.

A pile of scrap laid beside them. A large, metal sheet had reflected Kylo’s image. In the reflection he saw himself, a few years older, dressed in the clothes of a farmer. Kylo looked down at his clothes and still saw his First Order uniform.

He looked again at the girl and saw she looked rather like him. She had his big ears and his dark hair. But her eyes were different. For one they were round, for another they were bright, hazel…eyes he’d seen before.

A thought had dawned on him, it was so impossible and so obscene. Yet, there was no other possibility given the girl who was supposedly his daughter. He glanced over at his son who’s eyes he knew as his own. The boy’s nose was Han’s, his smile was Leia’s. And again there was this glint, this air that suggested someone else.

Finally, he looked upon the face of his “wife”.

His eyes looked at the hem of her skirts that billowed in the wind and he gazed upon her swollen belly. Her hands rested daintily over the swell of her abdomen, rubbing soothing circles over it as she did. “Have you thought of names?” she asked.

Kylo took a breath and looked up at her face.

Rey smiled back down at him with a raised brow, “She’s due any day now. I think we should make a decision,” she said softly.

“Um-,” Kylo mumbled.

“ _Um_? I’m sorry, my love, I’m not sure I think I like that name,” she smiled gently at him, as if to remind him she was teasing when his face hadn’t changed.

Kylo averted his eyes as he rose to face her. She took his hand and placed it over her pregnant belly. “She’s strong,” Rey said.

Kylo nodded as a smile broke on his face. “Y-yes” he said, holding her belly tenderly. “I can feel her kicking,”

Rey beamed at him and he looked away, afraid to be blinded by her smile. “I’m sure something will come to us,” Rey’s hand gripped Kylo’s and she squeezed, a gesture meant to tell him something as far as what, well that he wasn’t sure of.

“We should bring the children inside, Ben-,”

_Ben…_

The smile fell from his face.

Ben.

The daydream was so good, he had nearly forgotten himself. He was Kylo Ren, not Ben Solo.

He was a Supreme Leader of the First Order. He’d killed his father. He’d murdered many people to get to where he was.

He wasn’t Ben Solo, moisture farmer on some desert planet. He wasn’t married to Rey, he hadn’t fathered three children with her. He wasn’t happy…

But why couldn’t he be?

It wasn’t too late to change was it?

“Ben? What’s wrong?” Rey asked.

He shook his head, “Nothing. Nothing let’s just…let’s just let the kids play a little longer,”.

Slowly he gathered his wife in his arms and held her there. He tried to remember the feeling of her in his arms, knowing she would be gone in any second. She held his hand again and squeezed. Kylo Ren closed eyes and let the fantasy of a quiet life on a farm engulf him. A peace he had not known since he was very young washed over him. He breathed in deeply as the winds blew again.

“Ben Solo” said a gravelly voice, foreign to him.

Kylo had opened his eyes and found himself once more in his room.

The third spirit faced him.

“Is this my future. Is this something I could have”

“No”

“Then why did you show me it. To torture me more?” Kylo asked, his gaze hardening.

The spirit slowly shook it’s head, “You believe everything in the universe is made to hurt to, Ben Solo?” asked the spirit in a voice that contained the voices of a thousand. 

Kylo rolled his eyes, “Feels like it,” he mumbled.

“All of what you have seen can be your future, if you fight for it,” The spirit answered.

Kylo looked back at the figure again, “Is that assured?” he asked softly, his voice daring to sound hopeful.

“No,” The spirit said once more.

This time, Kylo glared. “Then what’s the point?”

“For the sweetness of possibility,”

Kylo’s eyes widened as the spirit lowered it’s hood and revealed the face of Rey.

Kylo rose, stepping towards the specter, “Another one of the Force’s tricks?”

Rey smiled and shook her head, “You’re the one imagining me. You tell me,”

Kylo scrutinized every line and pore of the girl’s face. He knew it was impossible for her to be here. She was just an illusion like the others. And yet he still felt this odd compulsion to listen to her, to talk to her as if she were right there with him.

“The future is only promised in terms of a tomorrow. But what we make of it depends on the decisions that we make today. There is always hope for a better tomorrow, even for you Ben,” Rey said, gently cupping the side of his face. "For everyone," she said. Kylo's eyes fell from her face down to her wasit where a lightsaber hung. It was different from the one she wielded. The black matte handle smiled at him as Rey drew her robes over it. 

The future was filled of possibilities for everyone, he thought as Rey looked into his eyes. Behind her demure, young face, he felt the tense and humming energy of the dark. It was so intensely wrong, even if he had wanted her to join him once before, the imagery of Rey fighting for the Sith felt bizarre. Almost as much as it had felt to fight once more for the Jedi to him.

“How do I do it? How do I make up for all the terrible things I’ve done?” he whispered, his big hand covering her’s.

“Forgive those who have hurt you and then forgive yourself,” Rey withdrew her hand and pulled the hood back over her head. The specter’s form bled into the background of the room and faded completely, leaving Kylo alone once more.


End file.
